Wow! I have to wonder, can any of those who proselytize against motherhood and bringing children into this world make their case with the kind of elegance and genuineness that you show here? (And many other times before)
That's the trouble with ideology. It has no heart and not much mind. Think of what they are missing, and they don't even know it!
Although in truth words are insufficient, these that you have shared dear Heather are a wonderful start. My older son's wife is a veterinary surgeon and the head of her practice, and she has made the decision to forego motherhood. I did not know until I reached this place that the prospect of grandmotherhood was such a wonderful future benefit and bonus. My heart is broken contemplating the child of my child whom I will never know. That, too, is part of the process. Thank you for this.
I know many young women who are making this choice. In some cases it even appears from the outside to be the right choice. Perhaps it is the right one for all of them, but I admit to being doubtful. Especially for someone who has devoted her career to caring for and fixing animals, it seems that such a woman would find such depth of meaning in motherhood, to not just care for and fix, when needed, her own little human animal, but to bring that child into the world as well.
Thank you for your wise insight - conversation on this (or any related topic) is non-existant. She is such a gifted healer. It is possible that the "choice" is not hers.
We had 5 children - 4 girls in 5 years, I was early 20s, then a long pause, and at 35 I wanted one more. We had a son for the 5th. We have one grandchild now and for various reasons, it looks like that's all we'll have.
Today I had the pleasure of my 2 daughters company along with my youngest grandchild (4)... I don't recall why it came up, but as we were playing I said to her that she was the gift I got for having her mom... maybe it's because of the emotional baggage we accrue over the years, but the love that I feel for our kids is nothing compared to the incredible joy and love I feel when I am with my grand kids... or even just see their shining eyes and smiles looking back at me... they are my "happy thoughts" that allow me to fly...
"I never regretted it, but I did resent it" seems to pithily describe much of the life we look back upon in fondness. We learn that discomfort passes but memories are forever.
True. Although in the case of pregnancy (my experience only--I know many women who loved being pregnant), I really disliked it at the time, even though by most metrics my pregnancies were easy--no nausea to speak of, only mild aversions that were easily accommodated by disappearing the offending foods or substances. I don't look back with fondness on my pregnancies, unlike, say, some difficult adventuring I have done which was plenty dicey in the moment. But I can't regret anything that produced my children.
To those who would say, "Get it all out of the way faster," who view mother/fatherhood as a bitter pill that must be swallowed, I say, "Don't bother. Enjoy your child-free lives." I feel the same way about people who say they might want to move to Florida "except for the heat and the bugs and the hurricanes and all the backwards red-staters who live there." "Keep thinking about that," I say. "We don't want you to come here and try to turn our home into Massachusetts. Be happy where you are." (I speak as one who lived in the Boston area for a couple of years, and loved it -- but who is delighted to be back in the Free State of Florida.)
I wish you and Bret the most joyous of next-stage-parenthood when the right time comes: grandchildren. We drank the ZPG Kool-aid and had only two children (two fantastic, intelligent ,adventuresome, delightful daughters), but enjoy thirteen grandchildren! (Six boys, seven girls, ages three months to 20 years.) "Comfortable and easy" it is not--both griefs and blessings too profound for words, with a lot of drudgery (it must be admitted) in between. But the blessings are incalculable.
Should I have been born into this era, instead of the 1950's, I would have been a good candidate for the "gender dysphoria" propaganda. I wanted to be a boy! Boys had all the fun, and girls were supposed to enjoy the stupidest things. Fortunately, I had great parents who let me do the fun things while assuring me, firmly, that I was stuck with being a girl. Not until I was much, much older did I understand that only women can be mothers, which makes it all worthwhile.
So much to consider here--thank you for sharing all of it.
With regard to drinking the Zero Population Growth kool-aid, I found myself saying to Zack, our older son, a few months ago, that I was surprised to realize that I would now like to have had more children. Life doesn't work that way, of course, and I wouldn't have wanted to start earlier, not really, given everything else that I was doing, and it probably would have been difficult to have any much beyond when I did, so the math doesn't work out...but still. I am beginning to understand the appeal of large families.
Your family (families) sound, as you say, incalculably wonderful.
As for enjoying child-free lives--yes, people should do that if they feel the parenthood will be a bitter pill. But they should also recognize that they can't know what they don't know.
And yes--be it Massachusetts --> Florida, California --> Texas or Utah, Washington state --> Idaho or Montana, I intuitively feel the frustration. We're still in a very blue state (Washington), and I feel like I, at least, am a West coaster to my core. I very briefly lived in Massachusetts when young, and lived in Michigan for many years in grad school--neither felt like home. But when I see my ballot, and know what will pass and who will get elected, I begin to wonder where else a person might make a home.
There are no words to describe the love of motherhood.
But there are many words to describe the "state hate" I feel from the indoctrination done to our children, right under our noses, that stole them from us.
There are no words to do justice to motherhood, no, there aren't. And we can somewhat grasp why when we think about the fact that motherhood is the most vulnerable state one can enter into. And it persists until we draw our last breath. Once we have children...
Heather -and Bret- know this (though with all the millions of interactions with people, so many 'strangers', they wouldn't really remember me) from a Tweet they both responded to some time ago, with so much grace -and a kind of sympathetic love, yes, I felt a love that only others parents can feel: We lost our 25 year old son in Feb 2021 after he got Covid. Yesterday, I was looking at photos again, and I posted up a picture of our boy when he was 2 yrs old, looking out of our dining room window at the world beyond the glass. And these lyrics spoke for me:
"Our lives are made in these small hours
These little wonders, these twists and turns of fate
Time falls away
But these small hours still remain"
Today I had the joy of reading this piece, and even more so, seeing the photos of H&B's boys. And Heather, in seeing off their boys, has captured this feeling again. These small hours -some kept tightly in photographs- are what made/makes up our lives.
Our children grow up, time falls away, but those small hours still remain.
The photos are perfect, Heather. Your words are sublime, Heather.
God bless you and your boys. (You don't need to 'believe' in God to appreciate the wonders of that phrase, do you? I know you feel life has 'blessed' you; that your children's lives interlaced with yours is an inextricable wonder).
Of course I do remember you. And your story. And by extension, your son.
I am still interested in knowing more, in hearing or reading more, if ever you want to share, with just me, or with more people, with my audience here.
Yes, I can gratefully receive your blessing, and I thank you. I sometimes want to offer that blessing to others, but I feel that I should not, even though I mean it with all the integrity and love that I can have, for fear of offending those who do believe. That said, I believe, ever more, that what distinguishes the faithful from those of us who do not have faith, is often infinitesimal. There are far greater differences, chasms of difference, between those who feel certainty and total trust in authority, and those of us--you and me both, I believe, and so many others--who are trying to make sense of our world with the tools that we have, and know that certainty and complete trust in (human) authority are never--nearly never?--the way to go.
My wife and I have one child. We were told many times what a disservice we were doing to her by not giving her siblings (she has 8 cousins she refers to as her "brothers and sisters" - she did just fine). I always give this advice to anyone who asks about having children: ignore all the advice and do what you think is best for your kids. Now 26, happy and a 3rd year veterinary student, I think we did alright.
I wanted my child to have a sibling, both Bret and I did, as siblings do teach life lessons to one another that are hard to obtain otherwise--but that's a bias from a nuclear family situation in which cousins aren't abundant and always present. It is also true that only children, at least those who grow up such that their nuclear family is most of their family world, seem to end up as one of two flavors: amazing, appropriately confident, can-do, charismatic people; or selfish and whiny. Of course, there are a lot of selfish and whiny non-only-children out there, too.
So well said. I once heard that the current philosophy is “comfort at all cost”. Parenthood is certainly not comfortable but it is the ultimate reward in this life.
LOVE THIS so much!! motherhood truly IS something that no mere words do justice, isn't it? thank you for sharing the wonderful pictures of your sons; they give me hope for our future.
I had my first at age 32; a son whom I sometimes refer to as my 'little miracle' (his father was spinal cord injured and we were not sure he 'could' - but he did!) My 'pride and joy' is 30 yrs old now and he's the only reason I feel secure in this volatile world. ten years after him, I had my second son (different dad; his dad passed) and third, right on his heels, just 2 months shy of age 45 (yes he was a surprise). my middle son, born perfectly healthy, descended into severe autism soon after I had his younger brother and soon after that, I had to concede that there was no staying in the abusive relationship with their father.
so I found myself a single mom, of two young sons (one severely disabled) and their 12 yr old half-brother. we moved in with my parents and have been here ever since (17+ yrs). now I care for my elderly parents (dad turned 92 last week and my awesome, 'Warrior Grammy' mom, is 86)
I feel that people who say they don't intend to have kids, are saying it for a reason and that means that they probably SHOULDN'T have them. having children for no other reason than the societal expectation is not an ideal situation. I also know a few people who SHOULDN'T have had the ones they have (or married into the role of step parent). of course having both parents in the home is ideal but when one of them is barely capable of sustaining themselves sanely, that's not good for the children either. I got lucky that MY parents were willing and able to take us in and now I am here to take care of them in return. my sons are none the worse for it. my son with autism has developed (with massive, constant effort) further than anyone (else) expected. he turned 20 last month; verbal but not conversational, still needs supervision with personal hygiene and the like. I accept that he will never be a self-sufficient adult.
my youngest was basically destroyed by the covid debacle. although quite smart, he never flourished in the public school system. when the schools shut down, it was his freshman year. Remote learning... what a fracking joke!! it was the last nail in the coffin for him. he did almost NO work, passed maybe 2 classes per semester for the next 5 semesters. by the time they reopened, he was so far behind, he gave up. now I have an 18 yr old, with no HS diploma, working full time at a pizza restaurant. with no real plan that I know of. :( I do trust he will eventually find his way.
remote 'school' for special needs?? yeah, its was actually a 'thing'. an absurd thing, to be sure! we tried to do it for a few hours a day but I still had to work. I don't think I ever was so ANGRY in my life, watching not only the entire world go crazy, but seeing my sons' lives essentially flipped upside down and feeling powerless. I doubt there is any stronger anger than that of a parent, watching those 'in power' not give a SHIT about what they did (and still do,) to our kids. righting this wrong is the hill I will die on. the PTB better beware the pissed-off parents of the world.
Thank you for all of this. Yes--"remote learning" was a complete joke. It pales in comparison to your stories, but for me the perfect encapsulation of the failure of remote learning was when our son Toby, freshman in a high school that he literally was not allowed to set foot in for his entire freshman year, got a C in PE, and nearly failed entirely, because during the time allotted for PE he went on a bike ride every day. To get an A you needed to sit in front of the screen and wait for the moment that they would let you press a button to demonstrate that you were present.
OMG... yup, perfect encapsulation for sure! and to think that lots of school districts STILL allow for full time remote learning. I know that ours does. (we're in NW Indiana, just outside of Chicago).
I think that your two boys are very nearly the same ages as my two younger boys. :) What awesome young men they must be! thank you for sharing them with the world. empty nest but full heart, Heather!
There's a lot of cool things I've done in my life, but nothing I'm prouder of than raising smart, diligent, curious and thoughtful adults...
I've dropped this into the discord server for those who may have missed it.
(My midwife told me once that the last month of pregnancy was not only for completing the baking of the lil buggers, but contrived by nature to ensure that women will do ANYTHING to not be pregnant anymore... including give birth!😏)
Yes, motherhood, an ultimate joy during my earthly time! There are no words to adequately express how profoundly it grows a parent's wisdom and compassion.
My only regret is not having more. I waffled after having my responsible quantity of 2 children, and years went by as I repeatedly punted, "well, do we want to try to have more or not?" I never answered that question for myself, but did eventually receive the surprise of another baby. My only regret since then is not having more, and it is an active regret. No one prepared me for how much increasing delight I would have in my children as they grow in their own independence! So while I still have a teen at home very much still needing my attentiveness, I'm also anticipating eagerly my two launched and newly married "kids" that claim enthusiastically their wishes to eventually have large families....at least in their present planning.
Thank you for sharing your careful reflections with us.
Wow! I have to wonder, can any of those who proselytize against motherhood and bringing children into this world make their case with the kind of elegance and genuineness that you show here? (And many other times before)
That's the trouble with ideology. It has no heart and not much mind. Think of what they are missing, and they don't even know it!
Although in truth words are insufficient, these that you have shared dear Heather are a wonderful start. My older son's wife is a veterinary surgeon and the head of her practice, and she has made the decision to forego motherhood. I did not know until I reached this place that the prospect of grandmotherhood was such a wonderful future benefit and bonus. My heart is broken contemplating the child of my child whom I will never know. That, too, is part of the process. Thank you for this.
I know many young women who are making this choice. In some cases it even appears from the outside to be the right choice. Perhaps it is the right one for all of them, but I admit to being doubtful. Especially for someone who has devoted her career to caring for and fixing animals, it seems that such a woman would find such depth of meaning in motherhood, to not just care for and fix, when needed, her own little human animal, but to bring that child into the world as well.
Thank you for your wise insight - conversation on this (or any related topic) is non-existant. She is such a gifted healer. It is possible that the "choice" is not hers.
We had 5 children - 4 girls in 5 years, I was early 20s, then a long pause, and at 35 I wanted one more. We had a son for the 5th. We have one grandchild now and for various reasons, it looks like that's all we'll have.
I never imagined we'd have just one grandchild...
There's time for a change....
Today I had the pleasure of my 2 daughters company along with my youngest grandchild (4)... I don't recall why it came up, but as we were playing I said to her that she was the gift I got for having her mom... maybe it's because of the emotional baggage we accrue over the years, but the love that I feel for our kids is nothing compared to the incredible joy and love I feel when I am with my grand kids... or even just see their shining eyes and smiles looking back at me... they are my "happy thoughts" that allow me to fly...
"I never regretted it, but I did resent it" seems to pithily describe much of the life we look back upon in fondness. We learn that discomfort passes but memories are forever.
True. Although in the case of pregnancy (my experience only--I know many women who loved being pregnant), I really disliked it at the time, even though by most metrics my pregnancies were easy--no nausea to speak of, only mild aversions that were easily accommodated by disappearing the offending foods or substances. I don't look back with fondness on my pregnancies, unlike, say, some difficult adventuring I have done which was plenty dicey in the moment. But I can't regret anything that produced my children.
Thank you. Our world needs this kind of sanity.
To those who would say, "Get it all out of the way faster," who view mother/fatherhood as a bitter pill that must be swallowed, I say, "Don't bother. Enjoy your child-free lives." I feel the same way about people who say they might want to move to Florida "except for the heat and the bugs and the hurricanes and all the backwards red-staters who live there." "Keep thinking about that," I say. "We don't want you to come here and try to turn our home into Massachusetts. Be happy where you are." (I speak as one who lived in the Boston area for a couple of years, and loved it -- but who is delighted to be back in the Free State of Florida.)
I wish you and Bret the most joyous of next-stage-parenthood when the right time comes: grandchildren. We drank the ZPG Kool-aid and had only two children (two fantastic, intelligent ,adventuresome, delightful daughters), but enjoy thirteen grandchildren! (Six boys, seven girls, ages three months to 20 years.) "Comfortable and easy" it is not--both griefs and blessings too profound for words, with a lot of drudgery (it must be admitted) in between. But the blessings are incalculable.
Should I have been born into this era, instead of the 1950's, I would have been a good candidate for the "gender dysphoria" propaganda. I wanted to be a boy! Boys had all the fun, and girls were supposed to enjoy the stupidest things. Fortunately, I had great parents who let me do the fun things while assuring me, firmly, that I was stuck with being a girl. Not until I was much, much older did I understand that only women can be mothers, which makes it all worthwhile.
So much to consider here--thank you for sharing all of it.
With regard to drinking the Zero Population Growth kool-aid, I found myself saying to Zack, our older son, a few months ago, that I was surprised to realize that I would now like to have had more children. Life doesn't work that way, of course, and I wouldn't have wanted to start earlier, not really, given everything else that I was doing, and it probably would have been difficult to have any much beyond when I did, so the math doesn't work out...but still. I am beginning to understand the appeal of large families.
Your family (families) sound, as you say, incalculably wonderful.
As for enjoying child-free lives--yes, people should do that if they feel the parenthood will be a bitter pill. But they should also recognize that they can't know what they don't know.
And yes--be it Massachusetts --> Florida, California --> Texas or Utah, Washington state --> Idaho or Montana, I intuitively feel the frustration. We're still in a very blue state (Washington), and I feel like I, at least, am a West coaster to my core. I very briefly lived in Massachusetts when young, and lived in Michigan for many years in grad school--neither felt like home. But when I see my ballot, and know what will pass and who will get elected, I begin to wonder where else a person might make a home.
There are no words to describe the love of motherhood.
But there are many words to describe the "state hate" I feel from the indoctrination done to our children, right under our noses, that stole them from us.
100%^^
Well done you two. Your children were very fortunate to have an experience like an adventure into the Amazon at a young age.
I have friends from France, who raised their two children on their sailboat while traveling the world. Now that's an education..
I have friends who did that as well. Very cool!
There are no words to do justice to motherhood, no, there aren't. And we can somewhat grasp why when we think about the fact that motherhood is the most vulnerable state one can enter into. And it persists until we draw our last breath. Once we have children...
Heather -and Bret- know this (though with all the millions of interactions with people, so many 'strangers', they wouldn't really remember me) from a Tweet they both responded to some time ago, with so much grace -and a kind of sympathetic love, yes, I felt a love that only others parents can feel: We lost our 25 year old son in Feb 2021 after he got Covid. Yesterday, I was looking at photos again, and I posted up a picture of our boy when he was 2 yrs old, looking out of our dining room window at the world beyond the glass. And these lyrics spoke for me:
"Our lives are made in these small hours
These little wonders, these twists and turns of fate
Time falls away
But these small hours still remain"
Today I had the joy of reading this piece, and even more so, seeing the photos of H&B's boys. And Heather, in seeing off their boys, has captured this feeling again. These small hours -some kept tightly in photographs- are what made/makes up our lives.
Our children grow up, time falls away, but those small hours still remain.
The photos are perfect, Heather. Your words are sublime, Heather.
God bless you and your boys. (You don't need to 'believe' in God to appreciate the wonders of that phrase, do you? I know you feel life has 'blessed' you; that your children's lives interlaced with yours is an inextricable wonder).
Thank you.
Of course I do remember you. And your story. And by extension, your son.
I am still interested in knowing more, in hearing or reading more, if ever you want to share, with just me, or with more people, with my audience here.
Yes, I can gratefully receive your blessing, and I thank you. I sometimes want to offer that blessing to others, but I feel that I should not, even though I mean it with all the integrity and love that I can have, for fear of offending those who do believe. That said, I believe, ever more, that what distinguishes the faithful from those of us who do not have faith, is often infinitesimal. There are far greater differences, chasms of difference, between those who feel certainty and total trust in authority, and those of us--you and me both, I believe, and so many others--who are trying to make sense of our world with the tools that we have, and know that certainty and complete trust in (human) authority are never--nearly never?--the way to go.
Thank you.
I will share more.
If there were an antidote for this (there isn't, but if there were) it would be Time.
And perhaps justice, for so many more than just David. He deserved so much more than Fauci and Co dealt him.
Thank you again -and Bret-nfor always being in our corner - on many things, as a matter of fact.
My wife and I have one child. We were told many times what a disservice we were doing to her by not giving her siblings (she has 8 cousins she refers to as her "brothers and sisters" - she did just fine). I always give this advice to anyone who asks about having children: ignore all the advice and do what you think is best for your kids. Now 26, happy and a 3rd year veterinary student, I think we did alright.
I wanted my child to have a sibling, both Bret and I did, as siblings do teach life lessons to one another that are hard to obtain otherwise--but that's a bias from a nuclear family situation in which cousins aren't abundant and always present. It is also true that only children, at least those who grow up such that their nuclear family is most of their family world, seem to end up as one of two flavors: amazing, appropriately confident, can-do, charismatic people; or selfish and whiny. Of course, there are a lot of selfish and whiny non-only-children out there, too.
So well said. I once heard that the current philosophy is “comfort at all cost”. Parenthood is certainly not comfortable but it is the ultimate reward in this life.
LOVE THIS so much!! motherhood truly IS something that no mere words do justice, isn't it? thank you for sharing the wonderful pictures of your sons; they give me hope for our future.
I had my first at age 32; a son whom I sometimes refer to as my 'little miracle' (his father was spinal cord injured and we were not sure he 'could' - but he did!) My 'pride and joy' is 30 yrs old now and he's the only reason I feel secure in this volatile world. ten years after him, I had my second son (different dad; his dad passed) and third, right on his heels, just 2 months shy of age 45 (yes he was a surprise). my middle son, born perfectly healthy, descended into severe autism soon after I had his younger brother and soon after that, I had to concede that there was no staying in the abusive relationship with their father.
so I found myself a single mom, of two young sons (one severely disabled) and their 12 yr old half-brother. we moved in with my parents and have been here ever since (17+ yrs). now I care for my elderly parents (dad turned 92 last week and my awesome, 'Warrior Grammy' mom, is 86)
I feel that people who say they don't intend to have kids, are saying it for a reason and that means that they probably SHOULDN'T have them. having children for no other reason than the societal expectation is not an ideal situation. I also know a few people who SHOULDN'T have had the ones they have (or married into the role of step parent). of course having both parents in the home is ideal but when one of them is barely capable of sustaining themselves sanely, that's not good for the children either. I got lucky that MY parents were willing and able to take us in and now I am here to take care of them in return. my sons are none the worse for it. my son with autism has developed (with massive, constant effort) further than anyone (else) expected. he turned 20 last month; verbal but not conversational, still needs supervision with personal hygiene and the like. I accept that he will never be a self-sufficient adult.
my youngest was basically destroyed by the covid debacle. although quite smart, he never flourished in the public school system. when the schools shut down, it was his freshman year. Remote learning... what a fracking joke!! it was the last nail in the coffin for him. he did almost NO work, passed maybe 2 classes per semester for the next 5 semesters. by the time they reopened, he was so far behind, he gave up. now I have an 18 yr old, with no HS diploma, working full time at a pizza restaurant. with no real plan that I know of. :( I do trust he will eventually find his way.
remote 'school' for special needs?? yeah, its was actually a 'thing'. an absurd thing, to be sure! we tried to do it for a few hours a day but I still had to work. I don't think I ever was so ANGRY in my life, watching not only the entire world go crazy, but seeing my sons' lives essentially flipped upside down and feeling powerless. I doubt there is any stronger anger than that of a parent, watching those 'in power' not give a SHIT about what they did (and still do,) to our kids. righting this wrong is the hill I will die on. the PTB better beware the pissed-off parents of the world.
Thank you for all of this. Yes--"remote learning" was a complete joke. It pales in comparison to your stories, but for me the perfect encapsulation of the failure of remote learning was when our son Toby, freshman in a high school that he literally was not allowed to set foot in for his entire freshman year, got a C in PE, and nearly failed entirely, because during the time allotted for PE he went on a bike ride every day. To get an A you needed to sit in front of the screen and wait for the moment that they would let you press a button to demonstrate that you were present.
OMG... yup, perfect encapsulation for sure! and to think that lots of school districts STILL allow for full time remote learning. I know that ours does. (we're in NW Indiana, just outside of Chicago).
I think that your two boys are very nearly the same ages as my two younger boys. :) What awesome young men they must be! thank you for sharing them with the world. empty nest but full heart, Heather!
My Aunt said “the dishes will wait.” She was right! Thank you for this lovely piece.
I am so happy for you and for Bret, and I hope you have many grandchildren.
Love; sanity; reason. This reminds me the world isn't at all poisonous dreck. Thanks.
There's a lot of cool things I've done in my life, but nothing I'm prouder of than raising smart, diligent, curious and thoughtful adults...
I've dropped this into the discord server for those who may have missed it.
(My midwife told me once that the last month of pregnancy was not only for completing the baking of the lil buggers, but contrived by nature to ensure that women will do ANYTHING to not be pregnant anymore... including give birth!😏)
Eloquent as always.
Yes, motherhood, an ultimate joy during my earthly time! There are no words to adequately express how profoundly it grows a parent's wisdom and compassion.
My only regret is not having more. I waffled after having my responsible quantity of 2 children, and years went by as I repeatedly punted, "well, do we want to try to have more or not?" I never answered that question for myself, but did eventually receive the surprise of another baby. My only regret since then is not having more, and it is an active regret. No one prepared me for how much increasing delight I would have in my children as they grow in their own independence! So while I still have a teen at home very much still needing my attentiveness, I'm also anticipating eagerly my two launched and newly married "kids" that claim enthusiastically their wishes to eventually have large families....at least in their present planning.
Thank you for sharing your careful reflections with us.
You elder children are launched and newly married and currently wish to eventually have large families...oh it sounds so lovely.
How I never expected to be thinking such things. It never would have occurred to me.