I think this shows to me how many of my "friends" were acquaintances, co-workers and business partners. So many of the people that I thought of as such have cut me off and put me down because I am not a slave to the same delusions. As if being a skeptic put me beyond the pale. I suppose that this is a good thing, jettisoning negative people. But it has been a bit traumatic nonetheless.
I have said often, first after Evergreen blew up, and then during Covid, that while it is distressing and disappointing to see what many relationships are actually made of, I am glad that I know. Having people be silent when they should stand up and defend you (especially when they know you are right, but they are too scared to say so publicly); and having people actively aggress against you for having come to different conclusions...it is both, as you say, a good thing (to know what they are made of, and what they are capable of), and also traumatic.
I agree that 'knowing' is a big positive, even with the trauma that comes along with it. The past few years have fine-tuned my 'radar' in regards to relationships & I no longer feel the need to spend(waste?) time with those who choose to put me down. My hope is that many of those who, at this point in time, don't see things they way I do, may eventually change their minds & join me on 'the other side'. And I am working on opening my heart to forgive them for how they have treated me & others for thinking differently.
And in this simple yet elegant comment, I feel connected to you, Kelly. Thank you for your words; I found comfort in them. Stay well; stay sane; stay human.
Hah! Ukrainian, mostly, but until recently that would have seemed close enough for many people. That said, I doubt that "wants a bear as a pet" is information carried in the genome, and he hadn't met any of his relatives from thereabouts until he was an adult. I think, rather, it had to do with a combination of loving animals, and being exposed to some show (I don't know the one or ones) that made it seem that human-bear friendships were possible.
I'm sharing this with a group of wonderful women friends, with whom I've spent Thursday nights on Zoom, for the past three years. You brought tears and what I call "god-bumps" with this piece. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for your clarity and care. Big love and appreciation to you and Brett.
Hi Heather, thank you for this lovely piece. I have followed you and Bret for over a year now and keep meaning to subscribe and reach out. We too have moved near the water during Covid although not quite as remote as you guys. We relocated to Edmonds, WA and are right near the water and ferry to Kingston. I walk daily always hoping to see a seal or seals. So far I’ve only seen one. 😊
Your grace and kindness have been such a blessing that you feel like a friend, even though we have never met, come from opposite ends of the religious spectrum, and you’re obviously much smarter. 🤪thank you! You’re weekly writing and podcast have been a lifeline to my sanity. If you’re ever in Edmonds I’d love to treat you to brunch or coffee. Hope you guys are feeling settled and enjoying your new place. It sounds lovely.
Thank you for the invitation! I know that the Washington state ferries get a lot of bad press (some legitimate: it's an old fleet, and then there was Inslee's choice to fire the unvaccinated workers, such that we now regularly have cancelled sailings due to staff shortages), but I still love them.
As for seals: I am always on the lookout for seals when I am near water where they "should" be, and never before have I so reliably been able to find them as now. It makes me realize some things that should have been obvious to me before, as an animal behaviorist who has focused on territoriality and home ranges and limiting resources--that is, what choices do animals make about where to be, and what to defend, and why? In short: If you are rarely seeing seals where you are walking, try a) being conscious of where the tide is, and walk at all tide levels to see if that changes your seal-spotting; b) being aware of seasonal changes, as the seals will change both their resting and foraging locations and timing based on, for instance, where the salmon are, and how much fat they need to put on for gestation or lactation; and c) the spot where you are, which may seem amazing from land, may just not work for the seals, for any number of reasons--dangers beneath the surface, or a particularly cold or dangerous current. They are making choices based on parameters that we don't intuit.
At my particular spot, I have already learned that this is a late Fall and Winter (maybe Spring too--don't know yet) hang out, but not nearly as reliably a Summer one; and that when the tide is low, they mostly or entirely go to a beach that I can just see with binoculars, and haul out on it. High tide disappears that beach, and they come to the waters just off where I can stand and watch them.
We had parrots when I was a kid. Smart little buggers is not saying enough. They'd call the dog by his name, mimic the meows of the cat, etc. I've had a few encounters with crows where I swore they were reincarnated from parrots. Seems as if they know someone who "gets them" as fellow birds.
Get in the water and swim and it's likely the seals will swim right next to you. I don't know exactly what they get out of it but I've seen the same seal swim next to and around me, disappear for a minute or so, and come back and swim next to me again.
I have known people with parrots. To a person, with one exception, they understood this to be a mistake. Parrots are too smart, social, and long-lived, while also not being nearly as interested in having a mutually acceptable living space as most mammal pets, to be easy to live with. And once you have begun a relationship with a parrot, depending on the species, you are in it for a very, very long time. I love watching wild parrots of many types, but I don't have any need to have one in my home. I guess that's true for crows too, though. I would like a relationship with one or more such that we recognize one another when we meet, and perhaps communicate with one another; not a relationship in which the crow gets to tell me when it's dinnertime.
I think you're right about the seals. I'm considering it. The water is...really cold, though. I got to swim near / with sea lions in the waters off La Paz when I was there last month, and it was stunning.
They're also messy, need constant attention including needing to fly if their wings aren't clipped of course, plus they're easily stressed by noise, and sensitive to poor air quality. Then there's the issue of the "supply chain."
Just last week I saw green parrots for sale on the side of the road in southern Mexico. The vendors had three or four of them out in the open, perched on a large stick, not tethered which likely meant their wings were clipped. People presumably keep them as pets in Mexico too (even though it's also illegal there) but they're also sent to the US where they're sometimes intercepted at the border.
There are some semi-wild (non-native) flocks of parrots in San Diego and likely other warmer areas of the country. Akin to the "one can surf and ski in the same day" trope typical of SoCal, I suppose there you could observe the parrots and swim with the seals in the the same day.
I met a woman through my daughter in law. Her name is Susan Story and she swims EVERY day in the Salish sea with all the creatures. You can see her FB posts and message her and swim with her. In WA also. Check her out!
Not that I know a thing about them - being from Minnesota and all, but it sounds entirely possible to develop a relationship or connection with one, or a few. Are there "don't feed the seals" signs on this beach near you?
I'd guess that like most creatures, they'd be quite happy about a meal they don't have to work and compete for. Once they identify you as that weird human they get a free lunch from you'll be on your way. The down side is having a bucket of fresh fish in your car every time yo go to visit them.
You may have to consider Sarah's bear comment below.
I would rather not bribe the proto-friends. It seems both too easy, and also like it sets up a precedent that I don't want. Some animal behaviorists--some of the best, including Jane Goodall--have "provisioned" the animals they are hoping to acclimate to their presence. They are not trying to make friends (although in Goodall's case obviously she did), just to demonstrate that they are friend not foe, and that hanging around rather than running away can confer benefits. But it changes what they do, in the case of animal behavior, and it changes the...I don't know, the balance of power, in the case of friends. I feel like it would also be weird in this case because they have far better access to the food that they want to eat than I do. Also expensive. I saw 25 at one time the other day, often there are more than 10. And these are big animals. I don't want to bankrupt my family. I just want some pinniped friends!
Heather, I have a feeling for crows as well! But no close crow friends yet. My grandmother had a crow friend as a child. It would follow her to school and sit outside the country school house until it was time to go home. I wish now I had asked her more questions about how they became friends, etc. There was a crow that used to sit on a telephone wire outside my office and make a lot of noise. I moved offices, and a few months later another crow showed up, and does the same. I assume it is not the same crow. Anyway, I hope you find a crow friend. Regarding friends, I am gently trying to reconnect with friends I "lost" during the last 3 years. Just putting the differences aside for the moment, and focusing on rebuilding the connection. And I love this notion of having a feeling for the organism. Applies nicely to gardening. One may have a feeling for tomatoes, but not a feeling for lavender.
I love the story about your grandmother, and about your twice-over tendency to attract noisy crows. Why may one have a feeling for tomatoes, but not for lavender? Or was that just an example? I have never yet lived somewhere with enough non-forested land to plant a vegetable garden (perhaps that is now changed), but have always wanted to grow peppers, many many different kinds of peppers. I don't know if that is predictive of whether I would have a feeling for them or not.
I have noticed that with some plants I just feel I u nderstand them and what they need, and others not so much. I love lavender, and even though I was a professional gardener for years, lavender just doesn't thrive around me. I can't seem to tune into it or connect with it, try as I might. Having spent a lot of time outside cultivating plants, I have experienced having a feeling for certain species over others, or even individual plants more so than others. Maybe you do have a feeling for peppers!! They grow great in pots in a sunny spot, easy peasy. Spring here in Central Texas is about 6 weeks away. Yippee!
I love this post, what I would truly enjoy is listening to Heather interview Jessica in a one on one format for Darkhorse! Thanks for sharing.
This piece resonates so well with me and being open to new friendships as well as allowing old ones to evolve. I love making new friends, especially ones who are both older and younger than me, helps me see things from a different point of view.
Hi Heather. Would you please consider making The Hunter-Gatherers Guide an audiobook available on Scribd and Audible? I'm sorry to say though I plan to, I have not yet read your book in hardcopy. I nearly always read by listening. Thanks for considering this. Have a good day!
I have crows that tolerate me. I've been feeding them since 2006 in the same spot. They wait every morning and allow the squirrels and smaller birds to feed first. I hear their chatter as they patiently allow the blue jays and smaller birds a treat. They know there will be enough food for them and they gracefully swoop down when they discern it is their turn. If I hadn't been observing this for 16 years I might think it was anecdotal evidence of the higher intelligence and compassion of crows. But it has been 16 years with the same crows who are kind and smart.
I think this shows to me how many of my "friends" were acquaintances, co-workers and business partners. So many of the people that I thought of as such have cut me off and put me down because I am not a slave to the same delusions. As if being a skeptic put me beyond the pale. I suppose that this is a good thing, jettisoning negative people. But it has been a bit traumatic nonetheless.
I have said often, first after Evergreen blew up, and then during Covid, that while it is distressing and disappointing to see what many relationships are actually made of, I am glad that I know. Having people be silent when they should stand up and defend you (especially when they know you are right, but they are too scared to say so publicly); and having people actively aggress against you for having come to different conclusions...it is both, as you say, a good thing (to know what they are made of, and what they are capable of), and also traumatic.
I agree that 'knowing' is a big positive, even with the trauma that comes along with it. The past few years have fine-tuned my 'radar' in regards to relationships & I no longer feel the need to spend(waste?) time with those who choose to put me down. My hope is that many of those who, at this point in time, don't see things they way I do, may eventually change their minds & join me on 'the other side'. And I am working on opening my heart to forgive them for how they have treated me & others for thinking differently.
And in this simple yet elegant comment, I feel connected to you, Kelly. Thank you for your words; I found comfort in them. Stay well; stay sane; stay human.
Just don't try to befriend any bears. We need you around!
As a child, Bret apparently always wanted a bear. I think he is mostly over it. But I agree: that would be a mistake.
Does Bret have any Russian antecedents? Bears seem to be a surprisingly popular pet in rural Russia.
Hah! Ukrainian, mostly, but until recently that would have seemed close enough for many people. That said, I doubt that "wants a bear as a pet" is information carried in the genome, and he hadn't met any of his relatives from thereabouts until he was an adult. I think, rather, it had to do with a combination of loving animals, and being exposed to some show (I don't know the one or ones) that made it seem that human-bear friendships were possible.
love it
I'm sharing this with a group of wonderful women friends, with whom I've spent Thursday nights on Zoom, for the past three years. You brought tears and what I call "god-bumps" with this piece. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for your clarity and care. Big love and appreciation to you and Brett.
Spending every Thursday night with a group of "wonderful women friends," even just on zoom, sounds so perfectly lovely.
Also, I think "god bumps" is rather nicer and more evocative than "goose bumps," which is what people in my corner of the universe always called them.
Thank you for your kindness.
Hi Heather, thank you for this lovely piece. I have followed you and Bret for over a year now and keep meaning to subscribe and reach out. We too have moved near the water during Covid although not quite as remote as you guys. We relocated to Edmonds, WA and are right near the water and ferry to Kingston. I walk daily always hoping to see a seal or seals. So far I’ve only seen one. 😊
Your grace and kindness have been such a blessing that you feel like a friend, even though we have never met, come from opposite ends of the religious spectrum, and you’re obviously much smarter. 🤪thank you! You’re weekly writing and podcast have been a lifeline to my sanity. If you’re ever in Edmonds I’d love to treat you to brunch or coffee. Hope you guys are feeling settled and enjoying your new place. It sounds lovely.
Thank you for the invitation! I know that the Washington state ferries get a lot of bad press (some legitimate: it's an old fleet, and then there was Inslee's choice to fire the unvaccinated workers, such that we now regularly have cancelled sailings due to staff shortages), but I still love them.
As for seals: I am always on the lookout for seals when I am near water where they "should" be, and never before have I so reliably been able to find them as now. It makes me realize some things that should have been obvious to me before, as an animal behaviorist who has focused on territoriality and home ranges and limiting resources--that is, what choices do animals make about where to be, and what to defend, and why? In short: If you are rarely seeing seals where you are walking, try a) being conscious of where the tide is, and walk at all tide levels to see if that changes your seal-spotting; b) being aware of seasonal changes, as the seals will change both their resting and foraging locations and timing based on, for instance, where the salmon are, and how much fat they need to put on for gestation or lactation; and c) the spot where you are, which may seem amazing from land, may just not work for the seals, for any number of reasons--dangers beneath the surface, or a particularly cold or dangerous current. They are making choices based on parameters that we don't intuit.
At my particular spot, I have already learned that this is a late Fall and Winter (maybe Spring too--don't know yet) hang out, but not nearly as reliably a Summer one; and that when the tide is low, they mostly or entirely go to a beach that I can just see with binoculars, and haul out on it. High tide disappears that beach, and they come to the waters just off where I can stand and watch them.
We had parrots when I was a kid. Smart little buggers is not saying enough. They'd call the dog by his name, mimic the meows of the cat, etc. I've had a few encounters with crows where I swore they were reincarnated from parrots. Seems as if they know someone who "gets them" as fellow birds.
Get in the water and swim and it's likely the seals will swim right next to you. I don't know exactly what they get out of it but I've seen the same seal swim next to and around me, disappear for a minute or so, and come back and swim next to me again.
I have known people with parrots. To a person, with one exception, they understood this to be a mistake. Parrots are too smart, social, and long-lived, while also not being nearly as interested in having a mutually acceptable living space as most mammal pets, to be easy to live with. And once you have begun a relationship with a parrot, depending on the species, you are in it for a very, very long time. I love watching wild parrots of many types, but I don't have any need to have one in my home. I guess that's true for crows too, though. I would like a relationship with one or more such that we recognize one another when we meet, and perhaps communicate with one another; not a relationship in which the crow gets to tell me when it's dinnertime.
I think you're right about the seals. I'm considering it. The water is...really cold, though. I got to swim near / with sea lions in the waters off La Paz when I was there last month, and it was stunning.
They're also messy, need constant attention including needing to fly if their wings aren't clipped of course, plus they're easily stressed by noise, and sensitive to poor air quality. Then there's the issue of the "supply chain."
Just last week I saw green parrots for sale on the side of the road in southern Mexico. The vendors had three or four of them out in the open, perched on a large stick, not tethered which likely meant their wings were clipped. People presumably keep them as pets in Mexico too (even though it's also illegal there) but they're also sent to the US where they're sometimes intercepted at the border.
There are some semi-wild (non-native) flocks of parrots in San Diego and likely other warmer areas of the country. Akin to the "one can surf and ski in the same day" trope typical of SoCal, I suppose there you could observe the parrots and swim with the seals in the the same day.
https://lajolla.com/news/green-parrots-la-jolla/
I met a woman through my daughter in law. Her name is Susan Story and she swims EVERY day in the Salish sea with all the creatures. You can see her FB posts and message her and swim with her. In WA also. Check her out!
What a wonderful experiment in presence, perseverance and playfulness. May you have success in you seal friendship aspiration.
I caught up on a few missed Darkhorses today. So thankful for you both and whatever led me to listen that first time.
Seals .
Not that I know a thing about them - being from Minnesota and all, but it sounds entirely possible to develop a relationship or connection with one, or a few. Are there "don't feed the seals" signs on this beach near you?
I'd guess that like most creatures, they'd be quite happy about a meal they don't have to work and compete for. Once they identify you as that weird human they get a free lunch from you'll be on your way. The down side is having a bucket of fresh fish in your car every time yo go to visit them.
You may have to consider Sarah's bear comment below.
I would rather not bribe the proto-friends. It seems both too easy, and also like it sets up a precedent that I don't want. Some animal behaviorists--some of the best, including Jane Goodall--have "provisioned" the animals they are hoping to acclimate to their presence. They are not trying to make friends (although in Goodall's case obviously she did), just to demonstrate that they are friend not foe, and that hanging around rather than running away can confer benefits. But it changes what they do, in the case of animal behavior, and it changes the...I don't know, the balance of power, in the case of friends. I feel like it would also be weird in this case because they have far better access to the food that they want to eat than I do. Also expensive. I saw 25 at one time the other day, often there are more than 10. And these are big animals. I don't want to bankrupt my family. I just want some pinniped friends!
Heather, I have a feeling for crows as well! But no close crow friends yet. My grandmother had a crow friend as a child. It would follow her to school and sit outside the country school house until it was time to go home. I wish now I had asked her more questions about how they became friends, etc. There was a crow that used to sit on a telephone wire outside my office and make a lot of noise. I moved offices, and a few months later another crow showed up, and does the same. I assume it is not the same crow. Anyway, I hope you find a crow friend. Regarding friends, I am gently trying to reconnect with friends I "lost" during the last 3 years. Just putting the differences aside for the moment, and focusing on rebuilding the connection. And I love this notion of having a feeling for the organism. Applies nicely to gardening. One may have a feeling for tomatoes, but not a feeling for lavender.
I love the story about your grandmother, and about your twice-over tendency to attract noisy crows. Why may one have a feeling for tomatoes, but not for lavender? Or was that just an example? I have never yet lived somewhere with enough non-forested land to plant a vegetable garden (perhaps that is now changed), but have always wanted to grow peppers, many many different kinds of peppers. I don't know if that is predictive of whether I would have a feeling for them or not.
I have noticed that with some plants I just feel I u nderstand them and what they need, and others not so much. I love lavender, and even though I was a professional gardener for years, lavender just doesn't thrive around me. I can't seem to tune into it or connect with it, try as I might. Having spent a lot of time outside cultivating plants, I have experienced having a feeling for certain species over others, or even individual plants more so than others. Maybe you do have a feeling for peppers!! They grow great in pots in a sunny spot, easy peasy. Spring here in Central Texas is about 6 weeks away. Yippee!
Did you contact Susan Story about swimming? Every day...
I love this post, what I would truly enjoy is listening to Heather interview Jessica in a one on one format for Darkhorse! Thanks for sharing.
This piece resonates so well with me and being open to new friendships as well as allowing old ones to evolve. I love making new friends, especially ones who are both older and younger than me, helps me see things from a different point of view.
I heard Brett's comments on jre and believe you will both find this article illuminating. Best to the entire fam for the new year
https://garymarcus.substack.com/p/large-language-models-like-chatgpt?utm_source=post-email-title&publication_id=888615&post_id=95712924&isFreemail=true&utm_medium=email
Hi Heather. Would you please consider making The Hunter-Gatherers Guide an audiobook available on Scribd and Audible? I'm sorry to say though I plan to, I have not yet read your book in hardcopy. I nearly always read by listening. Thanks for considering this. Have a good day!
I have crows that tolerate me. I've been feeding them since 2006 in the same spot. They wait every morning and allow the squirrels and smaller birds to feed first. I hear their chatter as they patiently allow the blue jays and smaller birds a treat. They know there will be enough food for them and they gracefully swoop down when they discern it is their turn. If I hadn't been observing this for 16 years I might think it was anecdotal evidence of the higher intelligence and compassion of crows. But it has been 16 years with the same crows who are kind and smart.
Be careful out there on your seal-befriending mission!!
https://www.mirror.co.uk/3am/us-celebrity-news/actress-loulou-taylor-bitten-6-28881988